What is the value of looking back to, and even re-experiencing some aspects of the past? It is a question many of us wrestle with quite a bit. From Happy Days to The Wonder Years, That 70s Show and Stranger Things there is no shortage of nostalgia in our present day culture. Yet, there was a time in fairly recent history when nostalgia was actually looked upon as a mental disorder. We all want to understand who we are, but…

Is there a reason we want to “visit” the past?

Why do we want to reminisce about the way things were?

Is it a form of escapism or a form of connecting with something about ourselves and our history?

That is the question I ended up inadvertently answering this summer, when a series of trips ended up being back-to-back visits to different parts of my past.

First up was Valparaiso University, where I attended college.

This was by far the most lighthearted part. Much of it was about seeing the people I went to college with, looking at the dorm rooms I lived in, sharing stories about antics and experiences.

Valpariaso, Indiana was once a far sleepier town. Going back there almost felt like Marty McFly’s trip into 2015’s version of Hill Valley in Back to the Future. My vision of Valparaiso is the Valparaiso of many years ago. I was stunned to see a far more vibrant downtown, with more people out and about, more bars and restaurants, farmer’s markets and people out cruising around!

I then visited Chicago, a place I lived several years later, for my first job after attending graduate school.

Being the most recent chapter of my life, this was my least dramatic experience. It was nice to be back at Portillos.

Ride the train again and visit some of my friends. I even got a chance to live the kind of life I lived there going to Wrigley Field and spending an entire night out at the bars.

The most dramatic part of my trip, by far, was visiting the place where I grew up, New York.

I actually grew up on Long Island, in a town called Mineola.

To most, it is not a huge difference, but New York is the place where people make the distinction between being from Queens, Brooklyn and the Bronx and consider them completely different ways of life despite the short geographical distance.

I grew up eating the best pizza in the world.

Going to swim at Barr Beach (now North Hempstead Beach).

And riding the train, both the Long Island Railroad and the subway, to get places.

While there I felt like neither a resident nor a tourist.

It’s been a long time since I’ve lived in New York. I never lived there as an adult. Yet, New York is still in the way that I walk, the way that I talk and the way that I act. The only day people viewed me as a tourist was the day I wore this American flag shirt to the Statue of Liberty.

Every other day, it was business as usual.

Still, it felt really emotional to remember all the things I loved when I was a kid, but feel so far removed from it.

I thought of my family, my family’s origins from even before we came to New York. Why do I sometimes feel so disconnected from it? Is that a bad thing? I’ve changed so much since every one of these chapters of my life. In fact, I would hate to be judged based on who I was at any of those moments in time. But, something made me feel a strong desire to be better connected with this past, as if it would provide some kind of grounding.

When I returned to Colorado, I reflected on the trip, especially New York.

I realized that, well, in life we all move on. We progress through chapters, some pleasant, some less pleasant. Some that feel more authentic than others. Based on who I am now, even though I often long for the fast paced lifestyle New York provides and taking trains everywhere, Colorado is where I was meant to be. Maybe I just feel I was meant to visit New York more frequently than I do.

As far as why we reminisce, why we desire to re-experience the people, places and activities we once did, in my journey I found myself focused primarily on who I was in each chapter. What I did. How I did it. How it made me feel. In New York, it was who I was as aa child. How I interacted with teachers, other kids my age. The experiences that, although so long ago, washed out in my memory by more recent happening, made me who I am.

Maybe that is the underlying reason for nostalgia. We want to remember who we once were. After all, in our lives we make some changes on purpose, but some just happen. They may not have been something we specifically desired. Sometimes they are foisted on us. Sometimes we’re just trying to get through a situation, like a survival technique applied to the modern civilized world.

So, maybe the primary reason we watch old shows, listen to old songs and go to the places that remind us of some past chapter of our lives is to reconnect with a past version of ourselves. And, if we are mindful enough, we can think about some of the ways in which we’ve changed and ask ourselves…

Did I want that?

Is this something that is serving me well?

And, is there something about who I was then I should get back in touch with?